Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Bachelor

You would think that the twenty five women on "The Bachelor" would have self-esteems of steel and be proud as punch to be who they are...I mean they are one of twenty five women out of thousands to be chosen to be on a hugely popular tv show, so they have to be beautiful, and skinny enough to prance around on camera in their bathing suits or frolicking in the hot tub. But, NO! That is not enough for these beotches...they want instant verification that Brad is obsessed with them and that they are GUARANTEED a rose, otherwise they are going to pout, pretend to be dying, or taunt and torture the girl they are afraid IS one of Brad's favorites. It is so insane...but guess what???? It is the main reason I watch The Bachelor. I can't resist delving into the psyches of these insecure and jealous lunatics! So I am going to point out the top most annoying Bachelor attributes...here we GO!!!
1) The very first episode where each woman gets out of the limo one at a time and meets the bachelor. Each woman knows they have to make a good and memorable first impression so they resort to semi-retarded and awkward introductions like: speaking a different language, or asking a question that they think is cute and unique like, "what do you put on your hot dog?" C'mon, give a freaking break.
2)  The frolicking...What do I mean by frolicking? You know, pretending to play tag or splashing each other in the pool. My favorite is when they try to act like they just LoOoVvveee sports and in their heels and gowns start tossing a football like as if to say, "Look at me...I can be beautiful and glamorous one minute, but I can let down my hair and toss a football...See how playful and versatile I am?" You know they are really thinking, "whatever dude, I hate sports but If I tell him that I ain't got a chance in hell."
3) Ok, is it just ME or does any one else not give a shit if they ever take a ride in a helicopter? Please for the sake of humanity can't the producers on the show come up with any other date ideas? It was cool maybe once, but if I was the one on the date and saw that helicopter landing I would be one pissed off chick. How flipping boring? Yippee skippy!!!! But each woman upon learning the fate of the helicopter date acts like she has just won the lottery..."Oh my God, no wayyyyy, how amazing...this is amazing, what an amazing experience with an amazing guy."
4) The blatant overuse of the word "amazing" to describe every epic moment on The Bachelor.
5) The token psycho chick. The girl that is used to getting her way and being the center of attention with men. This is a shock to her that she has to share the bachelor, even though she has probably seen every episode/ season and knows this is basically the theme of the show. DUH. And when this particular girl isn't getting a rose for the group dates or getting enough one on one time she knows that if she suddenly walks away and sulks, the bachelor is going to come running after her, to which she will give the old..."I am not used to sharing a guy, this is new to me...guys always come after meeee"(as she gives him the old doe eyes and twirls her hair with her finger)
6) The panic that sets in when a girl gets it into her head that she may not be getting a rose and she may be...GASP...going home. In this case the girl decides to pull Brad aside and say something to the effect like: "You haven't gotten to know me yet...you don't know the REALLLLL Meeeeeee...I haven't put myself out there...I am an independent and strong woman therefore I am not used to having to go after and pursue the guyyyyy...I have been through alot in my life and am soooo wise that all these little games the other girls play are sooooo immature and beyond me"...blah,blah,blah,blah,blah. They know that there is just no chemistry or connection so this is their one last ploy to say if you really knew me you would love me!!!! HAHAHA
7)Why is the bachelor so damn blind???? Obviously to the audience we know the real deal because we see what The Bachelor doesn't, but it appears that they always let the WORST women hang around the longest. I don't get it, but men do this in real life all the time so WOMEN are used to it...art imitating life!
8) How is it that ALL twenty five women are deeply in love with the bachelor??? I find this one of the most baffling traits of the entire show! I guarantee if you stick me in a dating situation with twenty five men there may not even be ONE that I could even stand. I guess looks are just maybe not as important to me...I don't know, but how can EVERY one of them say they see a future with him? Is it the game and the competition? Is it woman against woman? I don't buy it...
9)Why does the stone driveway in front of the house always look soaking wet???
10) Last but not least, what's with the constant, "Can I steal you away for a second?" O.M.G. I can't stand when The Bachelor is in a 5 second conversation with a girl and another girl knows this and asks to talk to him. I think this should be banned from the show. It should be a rule that only Brad can end a conversation with a girl and walk away if he wants to spend time with another girl, otherwise it's this super annoying tug-of-war with these crazy beotches peeking over walls to see if he is kissing someone so they can quick run over and interrupt. The piece de resistance? Is that spelled right? lol. Oh well....Is when a girl already HAS a rose before the rose ceremony but still is such an insecure attention whore that she has to insert herself into a conversation between the bachelor and some girl who not only HAS no rose, but has maybe had five minutes of conversation with him in five weeks. THAT burns my butt!!!
11) Ok, one moreeeee...Is America so extinct of decent guys that we keep having to recycle the same guys from the previous shows that were maybe rejected, for the next bachelor???? This is so sad...so why do they have that little announcement before every commercial, "If you know of anyone who could be the next bachelor..."when they know they are already going to recycle the guy from the last bachelorette who everybody loved because he was the nice guy and grew up with acne? Sheesh!

This blog is dedicated to my girlfriend Maribeth who needed a good laugh!!! :)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Please step over here onto the...

There was a Seinfeld episode where Jerry said that the number one fear of people is public speaking, even over death. So in turn, people would rather be the dead person in the casket than the person giving the eulogy! lol. That was one of the funniest things I have ever heard, and agreed for the fact that speaking in public has always been horrific for me. I mean, I can sing in front of hundreds of people, but if you asked me to speak the words of the song I would have a nervous breakdown. I know, it makes no sense...I think though if you asked women what their number one fear is it would be... the... scale, not death or public speaking. It's MINE!!! The very thought of stepping onto it makes me break into a cold sweat and my heart starts palpitating. What is that all about? How can a device used to measure how much our body is in pounds make women so paranoid that we avoid the doctor? I could contract a flesh eating bacteria, and in my mind I am thinking, "Man, if I go to the doctor they are going to force me onto that scale."Am I that scared to find out what that evil number really is? You bet I am. One of my friends informed me that when she goes to the doctor she refuses to get on the scale. Wow. I was amazed. "You can actually do that? You can say that and they won't call security and have them handcuff you and force you onto it?" I thought she was a freaking genius. I never thought of that...instead I just mumble to the nurse who knows it aint gonna be pretty when I step on that death contraption, "Please don't tell me what it is."
Of course there is a method to getting on the scale. For Gods Sake I don't just walk in in my winter coat and boots and hop onto that thing, No way Jose'...I rethink this before I go. It starts with deciding what my most light-weight pants are, and I am for sure not wearing a heavy top...something light as a feather, and hopefully it's summer so not only can I just slip off my sandals, but I don't have to worry about those pesky socks that bog me down another few ounces...because man, I don't want to dare add another pound to my already huge number, it would be crazy. I want to be 500lbs. not 502, sheesh. Just kidding...hopefully I am not that big!!! Who knows I haven't been on the scale for a good 2 years. I have been for all my appointments and check-ups but I closed my eyes when I got on the scale and hoped that the nurse wasn't STUPID enough to repeat the giant number out loud. Oh, and I wear no earring, bracelets, or rings. :P
Men on the other hand get on the scale with whatever the heck they happen to have on. They don't care! What's the big deal if their heavy jeans, jersey, and clunky sneakers add on 2 pounds? Biggggg deallllllll...
I use this weighing method whenever I am doing Weight Watchers too...I highly recommend it.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Good Grief...

The expression "Good Grief" always makes me smile. I am not sure why but I think it has something to do with Charlie Brown...he always said that, so when I hear it I get tickled.(as they say in the South) It's just such a decent and perfect saying to describe an emotion, without being crass or too dramatic, plus hardly anyone says it so it's not an annoying phrase that gets used over and over. Anyway...my point is that this seems to describe the way I feel lately. Nothing seems to be going the way I want it too so far in 2011, so I just want to say really loud, "GOOD GRIEF!"
I think we put too high of expectations on the new year, especially if the year you just had really sucked. It's supposed to be a new beginning, the start of a better way of living, reaching your goals, or fulfilling your dreams. I usually have resolutions every year, mostly having to do with my weight, ugh, but I don't want to get over ambitious with any of my goals this year. I would just like to be on the right track to my goals...that's all. That means eating healthier, exercising, getting adequate sleep, being a good and involved mother for my kids, being a better wife, being kinder, not letting toxic people into my life, enjoying time with my good friends, using my talents, and improving on my spiritual journey and relationship with God. I know none of these things sounds too hard or impossible, but when you are an undisciplined, artsy dreamer like me sometimes the easiest things can seem almost unreachable. I give into my moods, and desires, my craving, etc. What I am saying is that I am somewhat of a self-saboteur lol. I tend to drift from goal to goal like a person with A.D.D. drifts from task to task. Why did God have to give me this type of personality? Why can't I be a Type A person who is not only goal and task oriented, but they have the drive and motivation to achieve them? I have the desire, but no tools as to how to do it. Well, I guess at least I recognize this about myself, right? I am not delusional about what I am capable of at least, that's something! :P
Now, I just need to stop blabbing about my resolutions, lack of direction, etc. etc. and take action...on something!!! If I look back a year from now and every blog is like this I am going to drive off a cliff. If I can look back and know that in a years time I have lost a bunch of weight and feel healthier it would be so awesome...I really don't want to look back and say, "Man, I am in the same exact spot I was in last January, GOOD GRIEF!!!"

Sunday, January 9, 2011

How to start?

Help! Now that January is almost over time is running out... Why? Because I don't want February to show up and I still haven't gotten a good grip on my weight loss thing-a-ma-jigger. I am tired of the word diet so I don't even know what to call it any more...I do this a lot...I say I am going to start in January, but January goes by sooo fast, and February is the month where I go into a kind of "Seasonal Effective Disorder" coma. March is usually when we get the most snowfall and blizzards here in Upstate New York. Then April comes and I start to panic because everyone is getting excited about spring and I realize my legs are still fat and white, and starting a diet in May is just stupid because then I think, "Wow, I could have lost 30 pounds by now and now I have to basically just starve myself and chain my body to a treadmill with a feeding tube." Ok, take a breath Jill...
Excuses, excuses, excuses...pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. I need to drop all the dramatics and just get my big butt to the gym. Who cares if every moron on the planet has made the same resolution and the gym is barraged by all the happy diet newcomers of the year and I can't find a parking space or an empty elliptical machine. If I have to park twenty miles away from the gym that could be actually good for my body. Unfortunately I feel so out of shape these days by the time I get dressed for the gym, put on a tiny bit of make-up so as not to scare everyone, and tie up my laces on my sneakers I already am exhausted and want to stay home. LOL. That goes away though after a few weeks so I just have to suck it up. My husband tries to help and always asks me if I want to accompany him to the gym...but he goes soooo earlyyyyyy, and I am not exactly what you call a "delight" in the morning. I just need to go anyway. Maybe some miracle will happen and I will actually start to enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn. <- That just might be the funniest phrase I ever wrote.
The point is, just do it, and I am going to try. I know if I can do something substantial before the end of the the month I will be so proud of myself. Now I just need to figure out what kind of meal plan to go with...hmmm I was considering a nice kick start with a low carb/ high protein diet. I also heard some great things about the diet they are advertising on The Dr. Phil show, that 17 day diet. That sounds awesome!!! I can do ANYTHING for 17 days, right? ;)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Willpower? I don't think so.

In the past whenever I started a new diet I mainly relied on willpower alone...and it worked. I had amazing willpower and could resist almost anything: parties, desserts, holidays, restaurants, and temptations from my saboteur girlfriends. lol. I might have one cookie, or an order of fries, but I could hop back on my diet and continue on without any problems and become even more determined to do well. Through each diet I tried I relied on my stubbornness and willpower to see me through to the end. The older I get though it doesn't seem to work that way anymore. I am less hard on myself and much more accepting of my body and my faults. I guess you could say I have more confidence, which is odd, because I am the heaviest I have ever been...Gee, what would I be like if I WAS skinny? I would be dangerous...strutting around in the skimpiest outfits. HAAA!!!! Plus Dr. Phil always says, and I agree, "Willpower comes and goes." Exactly!!!!
The only problem is that each time that I start on a new weight loss venture I rely on some kind of new thought or gimmick to start the motivation process, and the normal things that work aren't working for me anymore. One of those things is weight loss shows such as "The Biggest Loser", and for some strange reason it isn't motivating me at all, in fact, it puts me in kind of a crabby mood and all the contestants seem to get on my nerves...as I watch their individual sob stories I think, "Whatever lady, you are 20 years old would do you have to bitch about?" I know it's mean, but that is what's running through my head, not the usual "Oh poor girl I feel your pain." Another motivation that isn't working for me like it usually does is seeing skinny girls prancing around in their size 2 clothes. I don't don't care, and I am not jealous!!! Man, I thought I would never see the day when that happened. WOW.
So you want to know what my new motivation is??? It's me...and me alone. I want to be thinner and healthier for myself. Seeing what I can do with my body through hard work and some discipline is very exciting to me. I definitely am starting to feel the toll extra weight is having on my body and I want to feel good. I want to have lots and lots of energy, because frankly I don't have near as much as I used to, and it bothers me. I want to be an attractive an adventurous older woman in 20 years, not a chubby 61 year old waiting for a hip replacement. Seriously. Time is going to go by whether I lose weight or not, so while it's flying by I want to be busy getting myself in the best shape of my life!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

So far-a, not so good-a...

Well, I think I can officially start one of my New Year's resolutions now. You know, the same resolution I have had every year since I was 2 years old. The resolution where I finally shed all the weight that I want and become a size two, and suddenly every problem that I have ever had goes away, and life is then perfect. Yep, that's it. Actually not at all, and I know from experience...not because I have ever become a size two, damn it, lol, but because whenever I have lost any significant amount of weight it wasn't life-changing enough to keep going to my goal. I had little epiphanies here and there, but nothing that stuck with me or gave me enough incentive to stick with it. Sure, buying smaller and more fashionable clothes was fun, and I had a lot more confidence...I felt better from a health standpoint too, however, none of the pros of losing weight was good enough to keep me there. NOTHING. And so I went back to my old ways. First, it would start with eating more of the "bad foods" that I had been trying to stay away from and felt deprived of. The next step would be cutting down on exercising and not paying close enough attention to my calories that I had to eat each day...and then suddenly...a free-for-all, and all of my good and healthy habits were gone with the wind.
 Now it has been a few years since I have lost any weight, and the 50 lbs. that I had lost three years ago is basically back on my body. YIPPEEE!!!! What a waste I think of the year that it took me to lose it all and the hard work I put into it. It makes me soooooo mad!!! But guess what? It does me NO GOOD to get mad...it just depresses and angers me, so what benefit is it to go there? I just need to start it all over again no matter how defeating it feels. I have no choice, I really don't.
So...I think for now, that my blog is going to be focusing a lot on this new "journey" (I hate that word) well, not new, because I have done it a million times, but new in the sense that I am going to try to get it right this time. Let's see.......

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New year, new blog!

Ok, I am just going to start. haha. I have been wanting to start a blog for a while but putting it off, along with a whole bunch of other things that I put off...exercising, organizing, yada yada. :) The purpose of this blog???? To write down my thoughts, plans, dreams, stories, goals, etc...with the hope that it will make me more accountable to myself and what I want to accomplish in this year and this life. I have a lot to say, even if deciding what to write on my first post has been torture, but honestly this is something I want to do for fun and for myself and the plan is not to worry too much about how I sound or if I am impressing anyone. I don't think it will be a certain format at all, just whatever is on my mind when I decide to blog. I have a million different loves, passions, and interests, and without going into what some of them are I am sure they will come out and unfold onto my blog as time goes on.
I am a 41 year old mother of two sons, and I am married to a wonderful man who puts up with all my quirks and eccentricities...so, for now I am just going to say, stay tuned. Oh wait, about my blog name! I couldn't think of anything really quick, but I do love coffee and chocolate...and I am a bit crazy, not literally of course. :)