The Cleanse.................UGH.

  So one day as I am surfing YouTube for video blogs about weight loss, different diets, before and after pictures etc. and I came across a video diary about "The Master Cleanse"...otherwise known as "The Lemonade Diet."  Just out of curiosity I began to watch the series of daily updates from this one particular girl, she seemed very perky and upbeat about the whole thing and aside from a few complaints acted like it was the easiest thing in the world. I then watched several other video blogs about this diet, amazed at the willpower of these women and how much weight they were losing in such a short period of time. I began to think, "Gee it doesn't seem that hard and it would definitely be nice to not have to think about what I am eating for 10 days," because basically you are just drinking the lemonade mixture and drinking an herbal tea laxative every night. Not only did the quick weight loss sound appealing but it seemed like a very healthy thing to do: getting rid of toxins built up in the body and cleaning my digestive system out. So that is what I did, and this is how it went...

First thing is that you should probably buy the book because it explains the whole process, why each ingredient in the juice is necessary, side effects, etc. etc. I noticed that the tone of the author of this book is a tad bit self righteous and it is clear he is one of those "Organic, vegan, cleansing maniac" types, so I took it with a grain of salt because of course HE thinks that everyone should try this. The first mention about how long to do the cleanse he says that lots of people do it for 40 days. Ummm, not this people, are you freaking nuts? Then he proceeds to say that 10 days should be enough to get the maximum benefits and that is generally the norm. Yeah buddy, and I am going to be lucky if I can do that!!!!

Day 1: Of course this day goes well because I am a little excited about it and have not had any deep hunger pangs yet, so I drink my juice like a good little freak and my herbal tea. I have to say that the juice isn't bad at all, it basically tastes like lemonade...although the cayenne pepper gives it a little kick and I feared that I was going to get VERYYY sick of that ingredient. I was right. Day 2: I have had to servings of the herbal laxative tea and I am expecting to have a very scary day of "eliminations and BM's"...but honestly nothing out of the ordinary happened, except a few more than usual. :) I kept hearing horror stories about the things that came out of people so I was expecting the worst. Day 2 was pretty hard. I got very hungry and was starting to get crabby. Uh oh. I also felt sort of depressed and deprived...not sure how long I could stick with it. Day 3: Better than day 2, a little hunger and I am starting to get verrrry sick of the lemonade. It was becoming harder to slam down. Not as grumpy, but definitely on edge. Day 4: Met my girlfriend at the gym and had a huge burst of energy...I need to say that the first few days I was super tired, but then again I got my period on day 3 so that probably had something to do with it. Sooo I had a great workout and felt much less tired today, was beginning to think I might be able to go longer...but also contemplating stopping so I could enjoy my weekend and eat fooooood again. Day 5: Thought about stopping but then my husband complained about how many lemons and limes I had left...so in a fit of rage I flipped out and basically said I wouldn't dare stop until every last damn lemon and lime were gone. I was, uhhh, very irrational. I then continued with the cleanse even though the thought of one more sip of the juice was grossing me out and the cayenne pepper just seemed unbearable to drink. I am starting to hate everyone that can eat! I am jealous that everyone can have food but me! I am bitter and feel SOOOOO sorry for myself that I can't eat...a...morsel. This is I know, ridiculous, because I decided to start this cleanse. This is MY choice. Yet I have a grudge against anyone that eats, every food commercial, every smell from a restaurant in a parking lot...everything!!!!!! Day 6: I wake up pretty early and don't feel tired so I meet my husband and son at the gym and had a good workout, and then came home and had some juice. You are supposed to have at minimum 6 servings of the lemonade and up to 8 or 10, but I can barely get to 7 servings without being disgusted. lol. I am going to go to at least day 8 and then I will probably stop and then transition to the foods that the book suggests: fresh squeezed orange juice, vegetable soup broth, fruit salad etc...so in my opinion I am still doing it (the cleanse) because you are not supposed to just go back to real solids or "bad foods" right away. I think the author would be happy if I just never ate again...

To end on a happy note, in 6 days I have lost about 12 pounds. YAYYYY!!! Of course everyone says that I will gain it back right away as soo as I start eating...Debbie Downers...I am not planning on it though, I figure If I go back to my 1400 calories a day and exercising why the hell would I gain it back???? I would understand if I gain 1 or 2 pounds of water, but I do NOT intend to gain all 12 plus whatever I lose in the next 2 days back. No way Jose'. So I will update everyone on the end of the cleanse and my results. Wish me luck or please just pray that I don't kill anyone before this is over. :)

Well I guess it has been almost 6 weeks now since I started my "diet"...and things are going well, but not as well as I would like them to of course. Going well for me would be 5-7 pounds a week,  not 1-3, even though I know it's healthier to lose more slowly...but whatever. I am grumpy this week. I should have blogged last week when I had lost 5 more pounds, I was feeling hyper and super positive, not like this moment where I wanna scream, "To hell with being thin, it ain't happening and I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!." Damn, it isn't fair, why the heck do I have to deal with this crap? How come it takes me mere minutes to GAIN weight, but weeks, months, and years to lose???? I have decided I hate naturally skinny people and I really wish they would mysteriously drop dead one at a time until they are all wiped off this earth. How can a person who has a ton to lose be at a plateau already? That is  insane. I would prefer to constantly keep dropping pounds until I get to about 20 pounds from my goal, and THEN I can plateau...but I have only lost about 12!!!! OMG!!!! I am not bitter...

So now I am on a pretty regular exercise regime, going from the gym some days to using my treadmill, weights, and elliptical the other times...that's a positive. I was wondering when the urge to exercise on a daily basis would kick in, it took long enough. haha. I'm not saying I enjoy exercising, but it makes me feel like I am actively doing something about my weight loss. Counting calories and eating healthier etc, is essential but I still feel full and bloated which really makes me feel like I am not losing. I know that's crazy by the way and it's just a mind game. I love to weigh myself in the morning when I am naked, starving, and know that I didn't eat much the night before. Wow. I wonder if that's the way anorexics think. Puhleeze...I couldn't be anorexic if I wanted to...plus my body would just assume it's starving and proceed to use the fat stores in my body dating back to 1979. I would probably be the only person on the planet to starve for a month and not drop an ounce.

This just might be the most negative blog everrrrr, so if you are looking for diet inspiration today isn't the day...

Finally...

Finally...After going on and on for the last 2 months about starting a healthy lifestyle and weight loss resolution I have actually done something about it...Good grief it took long enough, not that this is any surprise to me. They always say that you have to be ready emotionally to start a diet, not just intellectually, so I think blabbing about it for a while gets me going and then eventually I get sick of saying, "I am going to start Monday."

I don't think I even started on a Monday this time, it may have been a Sunday, not sure...I woke up with a strange desire to weigh myself, HAHAHAAAA!!!! I couldn't believe it either. I was thinking about NOT weighing because it would be too traumatic, and just going by how my clothes fit...but I knew that wouldn't be motivating enough. I needed a starting point and some kind of clue as to what my body weighs compared to the last time I started a diet (about 3 years ago) Fortunately it wasn't as tragic as I had thought, I weighed about 6 pounds less starting this time. Woohoo! Not wonderful news because I still gained 44 pounds back of the 50 that I had lost, but I think I would have passed out If I had gained it all back and then some. I am obviously holding on to any good shreds of information so I don't think about the fact that this is the millionth time I have gained most of my weight back after a diet. :(

So here I am, it has been about 10 days of watching my calories. I haven't worked in much exercise yet because I knew eating healthy would be jarring enough on my psyche so I wanted to do a step at a time. I have gone to the gym a few times, but I need to go a heck of a lot more if I am going to see good results. I have lost about 4 pounds so far which seems slow compared to the start of my last diet where I lost 7 pounds in one week. I am sure it has something to do with being overly tired, having a bad cold, and very little exercise. I originally was going to do low carb or the 17 day diet deal they are always talking about on Dr. Phil, but my husband convinced me to just watch my calories instead of going with a set plan. I have been using fitday.com which is a good tool for charting out your days calories, etc. You put in your weight and what you want to weigh, and by when, and it gives you how many calories you must consume each day to reach that goal. I put in a severe weight loss goal and right away it reprimanded me for trying to lose more than 2 pounds a week. Well sorry Charlie...2 pounds a week is brutally slow...I will be 80 by the time I get to my goal. lol. I would like to lose a significant amount of weight by the start of summer. Ahem, what woman doesn't have that goal, please...

The good news? It hasn't been that hard...eating healthier and less calories...I actually haven't been too grumpy, which is good news for my kids. Luckily my husband was in South America that week so he escaped the wrath of Jill starting a diet...I am sure he was relieved. I am starting to notice my clothes fitting a tad looser, I feel less bloated...all good things. I think my next plan of action is to make a goal board of motivating images to look at when I am contemplating making chocolate chip cookies or skipping the gym. It sounds hokey and I usually make fun of people that make one of those but I am thinking it must do something otherwise people wouldn't do it...So, like a geek, I will find pictures of women whose figures I covet and dig through magazine to find pictures of clothes that I would love to wear but have too much pride to put on. I know it's a free country and I can wear tank tops etc., but I also "personally" think you need to look a certain way to be able to wear those things. I don't care if 99% of the female population decides to bare their upper arms, but JIll, will not unless she feels comfortable with the way it is presented...no wobbly lunch lady arms on this woman...nooo sireeee...

Februaryyyyyyy

So far I have made it through this February without having a complete nervous breakdown...the reason I say that is because February is for some unknown reason always very hard on me. I know part of it could be that I start to feel like a caged animal after the previous 3 months of hibernating in the house...and Rochester New York is not exactly known for it's sunny days through the winter, it's more like gray and blehhhhhh...I mean January is usually a breeze because I am tired and relieved somewhat that Christmas and all the other Holidays are over, so I relax, enjoy my Christmas trees and decorations, and try to do cozy homey things. February comes blasting in and I realize I have not started my diet and that spring is NOT just around the corner, but still many months away. Wait, let me get this straight...we have no spring...it just goes from winter into summer sometime in late June. So then a week or so into February I get kind of anxious and panicky...you should have seen me last February...I was pretty close to checking myself into a mental institution. Seriously. I don't know, maybe the Packers, my favorite team (we lived in Green Bay for 7 years) being in the Super Bowl, and then WINNING the Super Bowl kept my spirits up...and I went on a girls trip to NYC for four days which was an absolute blast!!! Now in two days my sons and I are going to Texas for spring break which we will spend with my husband and their father who lives there part time. We will be in Dallas a few days and then San Antonio for a few days. Fun! I just have to finish packing and get all 3 of us there in one piece. Yuckkkk, not looking forward to traveling alone with my kids...at alllllllllll. Once I get to Dallas then I can relax and start to enjoy myself.
Ok, enough with this boring post!!!! When I get my fat behind back here I am going to get really serious about my weight...S.E.R.I.O.U.S...I don't care if it is absolute torture, it's going to happen. A new way of eating, a new exercise routine...I am actually going to use my gym membership, I may even wear it OUT!!!
So get ready for it.

The Bachelor

You would think that the twenty five women on "The Bachelor" would have self-esteems of steel and be proud as punch to be who they are...I mean they are one of twenty five women out of thousands to be chosen to be on a hugely popular tv show, so they have to be beautiful, and skinny enough to prance around on camera in their bathing suits or frolicking in the hot tub. But, NO! That is not enough for these beotches...they want instant verification that Brad is obsessed with them and that they are GUARANTEED a rose, otherwise they are going to pout, pretend to be dying, or taunt and torture the girl they are afraid IS one of Brad's favorites. It is so insane...but guess what???? It is the main reason I watch The Bachelor. I can't resist delving into the psyches of these insecure and jealous lunatics! So I am going to point out the top most annoying Bachelor attributes...here we GO!!!
1) The very first episode where each woman gets out of the limo one at a time and meets the bachelor. Each woman knows they have to make a good and memorable first impression so they resort to semi-retarded and awkward introductions like: speaking a different language, or asking a question that they think is cute and unique like, "what do you put on your hot dog?" C'mon, give a freaking break.
2)  The frolicking...What do I mean by frolicking? You know, pretending to play tag or splashing each other in the pool. My favorite is when they try to act like they just LoOoVvveee sports and in their heels and gowns start tossing a football like as if to say, "Look at me...I can be beautiful and glamorous one minute, but I can let down my hair and toss a football...See how playful and versatile I am?" You know they are really thinking, "whatever dude, I hate sports but If I tell him that I ain't got a chance in hell."
3) Ok, is it just ME or does any one else not give a shit if they ever take a ride in a helicopter? Please for the sake of humanity can't the producers on the show come up with any other date ideas? It was cool maybe once, but if I was the one on the date and saw that helicopter landing I would be one pissed off chick. How flipping boring? Yippee skippy!!!! But each woman upon learning the fate of the helicopter date acts like she has just won the lottery..."Oh my God, no wayyyyy, how amazing...this is amazing, what an amazing experience with an amazing guy."
4) The blatant overuse of the word "amazing" to describe every epic moment on The Bachelor.
5) The token psycho chick. The girl that is used to getting her way and being the center of attention with men. This is a shock to her that she has to share the bachelor, even though she has probably seen every episode/ season and knows this is basically the theme of the show. DUH. And when this particular girl isn't getting a rose for the group dates or getting enough one on one time she knows that if she suddenly walks away and sulks, the bachelor is going to come running after her, to which she will give the old..."I am not used to sharing a guy, this is new to me...guys always come after meeee"(as she gives him the old doe eyes and twirls her hair with her finger)
6) The panic that sets in when a girl gets it into her head that she may not be getting a rose and she may be...GASP...going home. In this case the girl decides to pull Brad aside and say something to the effect like: "You haven't gotten to know me yet...you don't know the REALLLLL Meeeeeee...I haven't put myself out there...I am an independent and strong woman therefore I am not used to having to go after and pursue the guyyyyy...I have been through alot in my life and am soooo wise that all these little games the other girls play are sooooo immature and beyond me"...blah,blah,blah,blah,blah. They know that there is just no chemistry or connection so this is their one last ploy to say if you really knew me you would love me!!!! HAHAHA
7)Why is the bachelor so damn blind???? Obviously to the audience we know the real deal because we see what The Bachelor doesn't, but it appears that they always let the WORST women hang around the longest. I don't get it, but men do this in real life all the time so WOMEN are used to it...art imitating life!
8) How is it that ALL twenty five women are deeply in love with the bachelor??? I find this one of the most baffling traits of the entire show! I guarantee if you stick me in a dating situation with twenty five men there may not even be ONE that I could even stand. I guess looks are just maybe not as important to me...I don't know, but how can EVERY one of them say they see a future with him? Is it the game and the competition? Is it woman against woman? I don't buy it...
9)Why does the stone driveway in front of the house always look soaking wet???
10) Last but not least, what's with the constant, "Can I steal you away for a second?" O.M.G. I can't stand when The Bachelor is in a 5 second conversation with a girl and another girl knows this and asks to talk to him. I think this should be banned from the show. It should be a rule that only Brad can end a conversation with a girl and walk away if he wants to spend time with another girl, otherwise it's this super annoying tug-of-war with these crazy beotches peeking over walls to see if he is kissing someone so they can quick run over and interrupt. The piece de resistance? Is that spelled right? lol. Oh well....Is when a girl already HAS a rose before the rose ceremony but still is such an insecure attention whore that she has to insert herself into a conversation between the bachelor and some girl who not only HAS no rose, but has maybe had five minutes of conversation with him in five weeks. THAT burns my butt!!!
11) Ok, one moreeeee...Is America so extinct of decent guys that we keep having to recycle the same guys from the previous shows that were maybe rejected, for the next bachelor???? This is so sad...so why do they have that little announcement before every commercial, "If you know of anyone who could be the next bachelor..."when they know they are already going to recycle the guy from the last bachelorette who everybody loved because he was the nice guy and grew up with acne? Sheesh!

This blog is dedicated to my girlfriend Maribeth who needed a good laugh!!! :)

Please step over here onto the...

There was a Seinfeld episode where Jerry said that the number one fear of people is public speaking, even over death. So in turn, people would rather be the dead person in the casket than the person giving the eulogy! lol. That was one of the funniest things I have ever heard, and agreed for the fact that speaking in public has always been horrific for me. I mean, I can sing in front of hundreds of people, but if you asked me to speak the words of the song I would have a nervous breakdown. I know, it makes no sense...I think though if you asked women what their number one fear is it would be... the... scale, not death or public speaking. It's MINE!!! The very thought of stepping onto it makes me break into a cold sweat and my heart starts palpitating. What is that all about? How can a device used to measure how much our body is in pounds make women so paranoid that we avoid the doctor? I could contract a flesh eating bacteria, and in my mind I am thinking, "Man, if I go to the doctor they are going to force me onto that scale."Am I that scared to find out what that evil number really is? You bet I am. One of my friends informed me that when she goes to the doctor she refuses to get on the scale. Wow. I was amazed. "You can actually do that? You can say that and they won't call security and have them handcuff you and force you onto it?" I thought she was a freaking genius. I never thought of that...instead I just mumble to the nurse who knows it aint gonna be pretty when I step on that death contraption, "Please don't tell me what it is."
Of course there is a method to getting on the scale. For Gods Sake I don't just walk in in my winter coat and boots and hop onto that thing, No way Jose'...I rethink this before I go. It starts with deciding what my most light-weight pants are, and I am for sure not wearing a heavy top...something light as a feather, and hopefully it's summer so not only can I just slip off my sandals, but I don't have to worry about those pesky socks that bog me down another few ounces...because man, I don't want to dare add another pound to my already huge number, it would be crazy. I want to be 500lbs. not 502, sheesh. Just kidding...hopefully I am not that big!!! Who knows I haven't been on the scale for a good 2 years. I have been for all my appointments and check-ups but I closed my eyes when I got on the scale and hoped that the nurse wasn't STUPID enough to repeat the giant number out loud. Oh, and I wear no earring, bracelets, or rings. :P
Men on the other hand get on the scale with whatever the heck they happen to have on. They don't care! What's the big deal if their heavy jeans, jersey, and clunky sneakers add on 2 pounds? Biggggg deallllllll...
I use this weighing method whenever I am doing Weight Watchers too...I highly recommend it.

Good Grief...

The expression "Good Grief" always makes me smile. I am not sure why but I think it has something to do with Charlie Brown...he always said that, so when I hear it I get tickled.(as they say in the South) It's just such a decent and perfect saying to describe an emotion, without being crass or too dramatic, plus hardly anyone says it so it's not an annoying phrase that gets used over and over. Anyway...my point is that this seems to describe the way I feel lately. Nothing seems to be going the way I want it too so far in 2011, so I just want to say really loud, "GOOD GRIEF!"
I think we put too high of expectations on the new year, especially if the year you just had really sucked. It's supposed to be a new beginning, the start of a better way of living, reaching your goals, or fulfilling your dreams. I usually have resolutions every year, mostly having to do with my weight, ugh, but I don't want to get over ambitious with any of my goals this year. I would just like to be on the right track to my goals...that's all. That means eating healthier, exercising, getting adequate sleep, being a good and involved mother for my kids, being a better wife, being kinder, not letting toxic people into my life, enjoying time with my good friends, using my talents, and improving on my spiritual journey and relationship with God. I know none of these things sounds too hard or impossible, but when you are an undisciplined, artsy dreamer like me sometimes the easiest things can seem almost unreachable. I give into my moods, and desires, my craving, etc. What I am saying is that I am somewhat of a self-saboteur lol. I tend to drift from goal to goal like a person with A.D.D. drifts from task to task. Why did God have to give me this type of personality? Why can't I be a Type A person who is not only goal and task oriented, but they have the drive and motivation to achieve them? I have the desire, but no tools as to how to do it. Well, I guess at least I recognize this about myself, right? I am not delusional about what I am capable of at least, that's something! :P
Now, I just need to stop blabbing about my resolutions, lack of direction, etc. etc. and take action...on something!!! If I look back a year from now and every blog is like this I am going to drive off a cliff. If I can look back and know that in a years time I have lost a bunch of weight and feel healthier it would be so awesome...I really don't want to look back and say, "Man, I am in the same exact spot I was in last January, GOOD GRIEF!!!"